Things I Saw On the Subway Today

1. A rat war wherein the winning rat carried off the dead rat’s body under the third rail and begin to eat his slain opponent.

2. A woman, with her teenage daughter in tow, popping a squat and pissing herself. Fully clothed. She then proceeded to tie a jacket around her waist and walk around like it was 100% normal to have wet stains around her crotch and knees.

News flash: none of that is normal.

If you have to pee THAT BADLY just pull your pants down. Really. Please. It saves you, it saves me.

I love you, MTA.

Subway Serenade

I was sitting alone, staring out the window. Two men boarded, sat on either side of me and the following happened:

Man 1: [singing] Ohh girl!

Man 2: [harmonizing] Pretty girl.

Me: [thinking] I’ll just ignore this…

(Still singing)

#1: I wanna hold—

#2: Your hand.

#1: I wanna be—

#2: Your man.

Me: (thinking) Maybe I can pretend I am deaf?

#1: Ooooohhhhaaaahhh, baaaabyyy…

#2: Daaaarrrlinnn’

Me: (thinking) Or pretend I don’t speak English?

(stopping the singing)

#1: Aw, man. She ain’t even looking at us.

#2: Naw, she’s in her own zone.

#1: And I’m trying to serenade her!

#2: I know. I know. 

Me: (thinking) Maybe a non-English speaking, deaf person?!

#1: Dude. She look like she’s been having a long day.

#2: Yeah, maybe her puppy died or something.

Me: *losses my composure and busts a gut laughing* 

#1: She is alive. Shit! Are we on the wrong train?

Man 1 and Man 2 run off. I share a “what the hell was that?” look with fellow passengers.