Things I Saw On the Subway Today

1. A rat war wherein the winning rat carried off the dead rat’s body under the third rail and begin to eat his slain opponent.

2. A woman, with her teenage daughter in tow, popping a squat and pissing herself. Fully clothed. She then proceeded to tie a jacket around her waist and walk around like it was 100% normal to have wet stains around her crotch and knees.

News flash: none of that is normal.

If you have to pee THAT BADLY just pull your pants down. Really. Please. It saves you, it saves me.

I love you, MTA.

5 Reasons Why I’d Bet on Me in a Survival Situation

Hurricane Irene is fast approaching! While I doubt the hype of the fear mongering news I’d still like to submit my candidacy for winning. Just winning. I’d survive, and here is why:

1. I spent seven years at summer camp. Not braid-your-hair-and-make-rick-rack-in-the-craft-barn summer camp, but dump-you-in-the-woods-and-dig-a-hole-to-piss-in-summer camp.  Yeah, I’m queen of the girly-girls but I can also tie knots, use a compass, eat wild berries and, as I tweeted this morning, apparently can start a fire with anything. Even my mammaries. Not only can I do all this, but I love it. I’m Katniss f-ing Everdeen.

I know you want proof. Here is proof. Please ignore the obvious 15-year-old-awkwardness and rampant braids.

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D.A.R.E. to prevent group hugs and B.O… maybe…

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This picture just drips with survival skills and bad choices in hair styles.

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This might be the moment where I tell you those are Chanel sunglasses. Trekkin’ in STYLE.

2. I basically minored in archery in university out of boredom.

3. I’m not afraid to takeover. I manage 15-20 adults twice/three-times my age every day. I didn’t get to the top (of the job I am very grateful for) for being cute. I basically got there for being the H.B.I.C.

4. I’ve had dysentery. You all knew this was coming on my list, but hear me out.
A) I know what it feels like to literally beg for death rather than to try living one more second.
B) I know that even when you’re body is falling out of itself, you still have to get your butt in gear and get   on that film set. Salman Khan waits for no man/dying female!*

5. Thanks to my religious upbringing, I’m basically boss at packing “go bags”. And while I don’t really have one at this second (Lies. I have a mini one. A basics one.) I know how to put one together.

If you read this, you’re as bored as I am.

Happy Hurricane!

*He does, however, make us wait for him. For 9 hours.